I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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