seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
