Pappa wants mamma naked
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
