I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
