Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize