you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
