i permit you to call me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
