Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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