his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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