Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
