omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
