Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
