Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
