I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
