The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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