Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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