I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
