in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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