I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize