i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
