She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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