Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We were destined to go to rehab together
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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