$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
