You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize