Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
