got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
