You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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