how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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