then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
