We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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