I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
