Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
