I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
