last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
