i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
