at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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