he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize