i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
