My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
