I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
two words: eviction party
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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