billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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