I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
