so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
