I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
