I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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