Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
