worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
