You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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