Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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