If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
