And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
