im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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