you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
