just tell him i said nine months
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize