1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
