I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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