wakey wakey hands off snakey
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize