The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
