Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
