Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
